A few months back, I published a new book. It has done as well as I hoped it would, and like always, it’s been fun to see my words making their way in the world. But this book has raised some concerns with a few readers, many of whom reached out to me to let me know their feelings. The issue has even popped up in a handful of reviews. What’s the big deal? It generally revolves around this question: Why did I choose to put a married gay couple in my novel?
I don’t love that this is a question that even needs to be asked. That doesn’t mean I didn’t expect it. Because I know my readers. My writing career began writing for a small publishing house that focuses on clean, faith-resonant fiction. Content did not need to be religious. But it did need to meet a certain set of standards. I knew those standards; and I knew, when drafting, exactly what my readers had come to expect. Gay characters was not it. To clarify a few issues raised by some readers: no, I did not write this book with a political agenda in mind. It is not propaganda. It is not indoctrination. Love Redesigned is a silly book about fashion and sibling rivalry and falling in love, with a main character who happens to have close friends that are gay and married. That’s all. And yes, I probably could have written the book differently. Written the characters differently. Taken out the gayness and made the story work without it. Though the characters formed in a more organic way (I didn’t intentionally make them gay, they just appeared in the story that way. I can’t really explain, but fellow writers, you get me—), I did have a moment when I considered whether or not I wanted to change them. And I didn’t. Really, I couldn’t.
I am a woman of deep, abiding faith. My relationship with God is very important to me. It is a cornerstone in my marriage and in the way my husband and I approach parenting. It’s important to me that you know this because I am an ally for the LGBTQ community not despite my faith, but because of it. It has been two years since my then fifteen-year-old child came to my husband and me with a look in their eyes that said it was time for a big conversation. Though we had suspected a confession was coming, it was still a sobering moment. As a parent, you want your kids to be safe. To be loved. To be accepted and celebrated for what they have to offer the world. We had always believed ourselves LGBTQ allies in theory, but now it was personal. Now it was our kid.
When it’s your kid, you can’t say, “Sure, I’m supportive,” even while thanking your lucky stars it isn’t “a challenge” you have in your family.
When it’s your kid, you can’t go to church and not worry about the fact that most organized religions are still struggling to find a place within their chapels for the LGBTQ community.
When it’s your kid, you can’t ignore the pressing need to reconcile what religion has taught you with the reality sitting at your kitchen table in need of love and acceptance and support.
I would be lying if I told you we weren’t terrified in those early days. What if we said the wrong thing? Parented in the wrong way? Even more, what if we couldn’t stop the world from being unkind? Couldn’t stop people from defining our child by a classification that shouldn’t matter but stupidly does? What if everyone failed to see the creative, brilliant, capable human that we saw? And so we prayed.
I have said a lot of prayers over my six children. Some days, it feels like I’m uttering one constant prayer. For my own patience. For endurance. For courage. For enough love not to sell the lot of them to the circus and book myself a oneway ticket to crazytown. For their health and safety. For their happiness. For the little ones not to kill each other over who gets to use the best Switch controller, the one that wasn’t thrown down the stairs when someone lost at Mario Kart. For the teenagers to learn life’s most important lessons speedily and with as little collateral damage as possible, particularly to their own hearts. For their faith to persist. For them to feel comfortable asking the hard questions and wrestling their way to answers. Even with all those prayers…never has a prayer felt as significant as the one I took to God over this.
The answer was immediate, the overwhelming peace and assurance tangible.
I know your child. I love your child just as they are. I’ve got this.
I have prayed countless times since. And every time, the answer is the same.
Trust in ME. Love your child. That’s your job.
The reach of my words is not very big. I have not sold millions of books. But I can still do my part. Representation still matters. I would really only need ONE person to read my book and feel a little more comfortable in their own skin, a little more filled with hope that a happy, fulfilling relationship might be a possibility for them or their child/sibling/cousin/nephew/neighbor/friend. Fortunately, it’s been more than one. And that makes all the critical feedback worth it.
I believe that experience is often life’s greatest teacher. Until you have an LGBTQ loved one find their place in the world (if you haven’t already, trust me, you will) you’re welcome to lean on my experience, on my unwavering conviction that the path forward is a path of kindness and acceptance. I know God loves his LGBTQ children. I know He wants them to be happy. To be supported and accepted for who they are.
There are people, right now, in your midst, that need your love. There are teenagers who need support and validation. Suicide rates among LGBTQ teens are alarmingly high, particularly within faith-based communities. Please watch your words. To imply that someone is broken, that someone is sinning simply by existing, is dangerous and damaging and wrong. And people are dying because of these judgments. We must do better. We must teach our children to be kind and inclusive. We must make room in our hearts and in our congregations.
If you are interested in learning more about how to be a better ally, please message me. I have links and podcasts and books that I am happy to recommend, and of course, a willing listening ear. And if you just want to read a fluffy romance with a couple of secondary characters who are loving supportive friends that just happen to be gay, well, I can help with that too.
3 thoughts on “In Which I Get a Little Personal…”
I just finished Love Redesigned. Thank you! It was a wonderful love story, one I needed. My 20 year old grandson is transgender. We just found out this summer. 2020 has really thrown us for a loop. As we prayed we also were told to love her. And love her we do. Thanks again for your honest blog post and book.
Jodi, thank you for your comment! I’m so glad you enjoyed the book, and that you’re willing to share your experience. Our own personal experiences can teach us, and others when we are in a position to share, so much. ❤
Thank you, Jenny, for that amazing book, “Redesigned” (sorry can’t underline on my phone!) But I appreciate your post about placing a gay couple in your book. I am faith-filled mother as well and understand your feelings you so beautifully described. Thank you for sharing them in such a gracious and uplifting manner. I thought your characterization of Chase and Darius was spot on—the friendship and support they provided Dani and Alex was so needed. You wrote so tastefully and expertly that I had to smile often as you described them. They were perfect! My brother is gay and has been married to a nice man for about 15 years. I felt like I was just reading about them.
When he came out 20 years ago my family was torn apart and devastated. But as the years past we have learned a few things —just as you explained. Love and respect should be given to everyone especially within your family. Our moral code might be different but our love should be unconditional. My brother is exactly like Chase—loyal and loving with an eye for a good color scheme. I loved how you made them a vital part of the plot because in reality gay couples are vital parts of all of our lives. And thank you for letting them (Chase and Darius) be who they were as well as keeping everything clean and above board. Thank you!
Mei Li Moore