To my Fourth Child

I wouldn’t call you an accident. I understand the workings of basic biology… cause, and effect. But then, I didn’t really put you there on purpose either. One day, you just were. A part of me, growing, consuming, becoming.

For a short time, we were comfortable together. But I knew what was ahead. I’d done this before and knew that soon, I would curse your existence as well as I cursed my own.

You were merciless.

You might as well of sucked the marrow clean out of my bones. A little thief, you robbed my body of all things nutritious. You built your own bones, grew your own cells, while I tenuously soaked up the leftovers, often left with nothing but bile, and sweat, and tears; a life sustaining factory – exhausted, discouraged.

It wasn’t easy bringing you into this world. But multiply the pain, the exhaustion, the endurance ten fold, and I’d do it just the same.

Because you are mine… you are me… you are you.

There was a time when my body was not yet a function of productivity, a well of sustenance. Back when pelvic exams were still considered a gross violation and my skin, a smooth plain, unmarred, unmarked by the painful stretching of accommodation.

But my heart was unmarked then too. Unaware that tiny hands and feet would soon pull my heart right out of my chest, shaping it, molding it, and forever keeping a little piece of it for themselves.

I am changed forever because of you, and the others that came before. I am bruised, I am broken, I am split, stretched, scarred, marred.

And I am whole.

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22 thoughts on “To my Fourth Child

  1. Melissa says:

    MommyJ, HOLY COW!!! That was your best work yet!!! I agree with Destinee, it should totally be published in some magazine. Wow, what a beautiful description of motherhood. Thanks for sharing!!!

  2. Lisa says:

    You should journal this in his scrapbook for sure! He will love this when he’s older and not feeling as important as the older ones…Beautiful!

  3. NOBODY says:

    AUGH. I did not need to be crying at 11:26 in the morning because I chose to read your blog!But still. Beautiful. You are mine, you are me, you are you. I love that. Actually, I love pretty much every single word. This is beautiful.

  4. Scribbit says:

    Oh you make me want another one! A friend of mine had another baby and after loving on her this weekend then reading this I’m totally baby hungry 🙂

  5. Antique Mommy says:

    I loved your essay. It was a beautifully crafted essay. I loved how at the end you brought it back around showing how in the brokenness of motherhood, in body and soul, we are made whole. It was just lovely.

  6. charrette says:

    Beautiful. I love the ending.In the beginning I thought you were describing an identical experience to one I’d had…But our fourth was stillborn. So glad this turned out better for you and left you with someone to hold.

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