What Parenthood has Taught Me

In honor of my one year blogoversary, which happens to be this Friday, I’ve decided to share eight years worth of hard earned wisdom, with you, my family, friends, and total strangers. So, in no particular order, what I’ve learned…

1. It is not acceptable to eat yummily delicious food in front of your children if you are not going to share.

2. It IS acceptable to eat yummily delicious food in your bathroom with the door locked so that your children do not know you have it, and you don’t have to share.

3. A box of tampons is a much more entertaining toy than any thing you can purchase at the toy store… especially when they have easy open tabs so the kids can open them and shoot them out like little cannons.

4. Children older than 2 should NOT play with tampons. Unless you know of a way to appropriately explain their use to an inquisitive older child.

5. The phrase “We’ll see.” has three different meanings. To parents, it means “Most probably not but I don’t really want to hear you meltdown for the next forty five minutes so I’m giving this vague open ended answer so that your hope stays alive and I don’t have to deal with a tantrum.” To children five and under, it means, “most probably yes, I’ll tell you when we get home.” To children older than five, it means, “destroy your hopes and dreams of whatever it is you want, the answer is no even though Mom’s too chicken to just say it.”

6. Older children will inform younger children of the true meaning of “we’ll see” and destroy any power the phrase holds over their anxious little hearts.

7. The 48,000 pictures stored on my digital camera and laptop will still be there tomorrow.

8. I am prone to exaggeration.

9. Unprinted pictures is not a good reason to feel guilt.

10. A sixteenth month old baby who has not one single picture of himself in print IS a good reason to feel guilt.

11. Crying without tears is not real crying and does not deserve sympathy.

12. I know everything. At least they think I do.

13. Toothbrushes do not flush.

14. Children can not control the impulse to stick things up there noses. Especially if you are telling them a story about someone else sticking something up there nose.

15. There is nothing more exciting to a baby than the sound of any object being dropped in to the toilet.

16. Little boys will never be able to aim.

17. The laundry will never be finished.

18. The best way to cure a child of constipation is to clean the toilet.

19. It is possible for children to get a good report at the dentist. Even if they are only brushing their teeth every other day. Or every third day. Or at least weekly.

21. Children’s memory cells are not capable of remembering a request to be quiet for longer than twenty five seconds.

22. Babies cannot sleep through anything.

23. Children believe that eating is an acceptable cure for boredom.

24. Your kitchen is NOT safe when you are in the shower.

25. The sound of a chair sliding across the floor and cabinet doors banging shut while you are in the shower normally means there is cereal all over the floor, or chocolate chips smeared all over the ottoman in the living room.

26. It is not acceptable for your four year old to “google” anything, even if they think they know how.

27. You only have to say “damn” once for a child to weave it in to their own vocabulary.

28. The list of reasons a child has for getting out of bed is endless.

29. When ever a child insists that they have to get out of bed to tell you something really important that they forgot until now and they won’t be able to sleep until they tell you, it’s usually, “Ummmm, I love you!”

30. There really isn’t ever a bad time to hear, “I love you.”

31. Little girls never need to pee until five minutes after you leave.

32. If you are worried about your baby who still isn’t rolling over, put him in the middle of your bed where you think he is safe, and turn your back.

33. Rolling off the bed as a baby does not cause permanent damage. At least not anything noticeable by age 7.

34. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

35. If you laugh a lot, and eat lots of chocolate, the tunnel isn’t such a bad walk after all.

8 thoughts on “What Parenthood has Taught Me

  1. sisterproctor says:

    O.k., friend. You really must extend the list into book form and have it officially published. I don’t even have kids, and I would buy it! All who agree, say “aye”! Concerning #26, you really should look into Nettrekker (http://www.nettrekker.com/). It is an awesome tool for the classroom and the home. Our school just got it this year, and I’m so excited to use it!

  2. Jenny says:

    I’m back. You are hilarious! I miss you so!! So I’m back. We have been computerless all summer and finally I’m getting updated on all my friends. Need to see you!

  3. Rosie says:

    Soon after reading the start of your list I went and ate a yoghurt in front of my 18 month old, ignoring her insistent “I! I! I!”, and put the yoghurt pot in the rubbish bin.Went down the hall, came back to quiet, too quiet, toddler sitting on the children’s sofa with a face covered in yoghurt and a little tongue licking the remainder of the yoghurt out of the pot.I should have heeded your wise words.

  4. NOBODY says:

    I love when you try to be funny.I don’t know how I missed this post either. But it’s okay if you don’t point out how. :)I loved 3, 8, and 18. Well, I loved them all, but those were my favorites. And of course, the last one.And hey, did someone suggest you write a book? AYE!

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